Choose to let Loose
(or how I am dealing with my Disney-Dripping-Let-It-Go Moments)
There is a lot in life that goes beyond our control. Looking back at ‘The enemy that’s me’, where I mention that I do not really believe that I am in control anyway, I believe this to be true. Of course there are a lot of things we can control, we all know this. It’s the part we can’t, that makes life, let’s say…interesting…? (Sorry, did I just wrote that out loud?)
We have met a lot of people throughout the years. And a lot of them were struggling with much the same things. Either there were relationship- or financial issues, or issues with raising kids… Those were the most common then and I guess that hasn’t changed much. We were blessed to be able to be of assistance to a lot of them, not because we are so perfect, uhm… Just.No.
We always aimed to be honest and show ourselves, trying to be as transparent as possible. You see, I think it’s the only way, people can measure your sincerity – we met our fair share of fakeness along the way and we hated to be like that. Unfortunately, this also included fellow believers…
So if you are someone who’s run into ‘believers’ like that, I totally understand your reluctance to even read this… been there.
Going through different phases in my faith, I think I never really adapted to the ‘holier-than-thou’ attitude. Yes, there was a lot of ignorance when I started to follow that road, but as with all things in life, this is a process and I learned pretty fast, that I am in NO WAY better than anybody else, just because of my faith in God.
To be honest, like I mentioned previously, faith did not always make things easier. Because if there is one thing my faith taught me, it’s that I have choices to make. It’s my responsibility to choose, even when I would rather just… let ‘nature take its course.’ I’ve learned that, refusing to choose is a choice in itself.
The whole faith thing started with one choice and from thereon after, realization hit: I Can Choose – choose to let loose, letting go of everything that might hinder me in any way, to be the person I want to be, the person I can be.
This is not some magical spell for me, nor a solid method to make things work my way…nope. If only it was that easy… There are no proven methods, no guaranties, there’s just me and my free will to choose.
I remember, when the kids were still in preschool, we had a friendly little group of moms, who would always be prepared to help out, the school the kids attended wasn’t that big and every little help was welcome. One of those moms, who had just given birth to her second child, got breast cancer. My (best-) friend came to me and said: I know you have a connection with ‘Above’, can you make sure she will be alright? It wasn’t actually a question, more like a command. I didn’t mind, I knew she was very worried.
I answered that there were no guarantees I could grant… Yes I prayed, of course I did. I also believe miracles do absolutely happen, even seen it with my own eyes. But sadly, only a couple of months later, our friend passed away, leaving behind a young husband and 2 very young children. My best friend was so angry with me/God – maybe both, I couldn’t quite figure that one out…Did I understand why this happened? No, not at all, but I chose to let it go.
Now this is just one time in my life, that my choices took me to a place, where I really did not want to be. But I totally understood her anger, her disappointment and most of all, her grief. When I tried to hug her for comfort – just as much for myself – she angrily pushed me away and basically told me to leave her alone. I left and after giving her some time to calm down, tried a couple of times to contact her, she did not wish to see me again. And so I chose to let her go.
This was a person who had totally accepted my (our) way of life, as we did hers. She came from a family where faith was the law, which had nothing to do with relation (-knowing God) but everything to do with religion (-knowing about God) – where rules and regulations rule. She had a really hard time, leaving that way of life behind, where everything she did or said was constantly judged. Not only by her family, but also by her environment.
However, she had accepted us, knew what we had been through before we met her (another story altogether), knew how our faith kept us together and going strong. We had shared almost everything, the kids loved to play with each other…She was the one who said: ‘Well, if your marriage survived that, nothing can break you’. She. Knew. But I had to let go. I had to respect her wish and I had to take care of myself too.
Fortunately, there were also many times, our choice to let go lead to happy, awesome things. Let me name a couple.
When we were preparing to get married, we needed a home, of course. We lived and worked in The Hague. Finding a home there, would be difficult. When we registered with a housing corporation, we were put on a waiting-list and the waiting could get up to 15 years! There wasn’t anything we could do to speed that up.
Every day, at least one of our colleagues would ask: ‘So did you guys find a place to live yet?’ and every time we answered the same; ‘Oh yes, there is a place for us’ – of course we had no idea and no prospects at all. But we believed it was possible. We just let go of worrying about it, that never helped anyone one little bit and does not add anything to your life at all.
One Sunday in church, our marriage was announced and after the service, a couple came up to us. We had never met and to be honest, we never even saw them before. But, they heard the announcement and wanted to talk to us. Turned out, they had a house, just a 5 minute walk away from our work, which they wanted to sell, but they decided to rent it to us with an unbelievably low rent! People around us where flabbergasted. (as were we, to be honest…oh ye-of-little-faith indeed).
Remember I was telling in ‘My kind of Music’ about the Continental Singers we were asked to join for their French Tour? Steve was asked to play bass…except, he had just gifted his bass to somebody else…. He was able to practice on a borrowed one, but for the tour, he really needed his own.
Now the organization we worked for was based on volunteerism. We received a little compensation, but not a real income. So money for a new bass…tight does not even comes close to describing it.
However, we both decided, when the time for the tour came, we gave our notice. It was time for something new, so first the tour and after that, we would see. On Steve’s last day at work, the day before we would leave for the tour, he received an amount of money – we never expected – and you can guess what the first thing was he bought 😉
You see, we had to let go. Let go of the worry, let go of the doubt, let go of our own negative thoughts about it and whatever else seemed to be in the way. But we still believed though and were able to do so, with peace in our hearts, although our minds would sometimes disagree, the struggle hah. It’s always easier said than done, but the heart and the mind are two different parts of us.
I can choose to let go, to not stay depressed, to not be a victim forever, to be free to be the one person I am supposed to be. It’s my responsibility but even more so, my prerogative to choose.
So, August the 17th, Steve and I will have our 30th anniversary. During our time together, we have had to let go many times. This meant leaving behind possessions, houses, and even family. Did it suck? Yeah, totally at times. But none of that knocked us out completely.
I was really looking forward to have a nice celebration, but this weird corona times won’t let us, yet. Does it really matter? No…we’re healthy, we’re happy, our kids and other loved ones are safe, we have a roof over our heads and enough to eat. Dressing up would be nice haha, I think my sweats are kind of wearing out, but other than that, there’s really nothing to complain about. We will just postpone that party and enjoy the anticipation for now.
You see, I choose to just let loose.
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