When you know, you know. Let Go
(or how I get rewarded while losing)
There’s nothing easy about letting go. Not when it’s about that awesome job you finally found, the beautiful house you made your home, or worse, the people you love. How do we do it? Or should I say, how do we get to the point we acknowledge the fact we Have To, and make a Conscious Choice? Often it’s a long and painful process in which we battle the fear of impending loss, with a useless tool called denial. Ouch.
I love to repeat myself -I do- but dear.. it’s been a while. I’m just blaming it on the fact that time flies and don’t you tell me you’re not feeling the exact same thing: we’re nearing spring for-the-love-of-cheese! Ah but I’m looking forward to a little warmth and the changing of the colors around me. My soul needs it. Desperately.
After my battle with my feelings of guilt (as described in my previous posts) I started to feel better again. I’m sorry-not-sorry to inform you, my readers, that sending my personal mental health issues into the world is still the best therapy for me 😂 I can only hope, you feel a tiny bit of comfort, knowing we’re in this thing called life together.
Through our marriage we had to let go of so many things. The shortlist I mentioned is true, but would definitely be longer if I’d wanted to be accurate. And no, unfortunately it wasn’t just one job, house or person, they are represented by a number I don’t even wish to calculate. Sometimes it’s life happening, out of your control, but when there is a sound reason to cut things or people out of your life, decisions have to be made. For your sanity, for your safety, for your soul to survive. Letting go, as in, giving up on. As much as it might feel like losing at first, we end up winning in the end.
It was high time to let my guilt go! In a way I can say it was the start of a new ‘cycle of letting go’, though of course I had no clue at that time. I mean, why would life be that predictable right? Not mine anyways. I don’t think I would want it any other way. However, letting go hurts. Badly sometimes. It’s a conscious choice I’m able to make, while knowing upfront the consequence means loss. I’m not good with losing. Come on now, nobody wants to be a loser right?! Been there, done that, didn’t like it.
You’d think letting go of guilt wouldn’t be painful, but to me it meant overcoming myself, again. Ever tried that at all? Experienced fear of failure, hurt, shame or anxiety much? I’ve basically been talking about that a lot here. And yes I have help and not just the human kind. It’s one thing to be aware external things need to change, it’s another to set that change into motion and keep it up and running. Wanting to make changes to your inner person is taking it to a whole other level. Not higher, but deeper.
It seems to always come down to this, me fighting…me. It’s how I eventually make progress and grow and I don’t want to stop growing. Because lately I’ve become, more than ever, aware, I don’t want to turn into a grumpy old bitch. Excuse my French. I’m sure the global situation is not helping, but please… When I look around and see people my age (well I guess lol) or older (guessing again), most of them definitely don’t look happy. There seems to be a certain attitude of self righteousness and air of deserving respect, I refuse to share. If you’re offended by these words, I’d say check yourself. You needn’t be if you don’t belong to that particular group.
Back to the How. How did I let go?
1️⃣ I made the Conscious Choice to let go of these feelings that had me convinced I was heading towards a depression. It literally felt like I was being pulled into a dark and very sad hole, where the only ‘escape’ was sleep and not wake up. That’s so far from living, only death can top that, but I certainly didn’t want to die. I just couldn’t anticipate any improvement coming along anytime soon. But you know, that’s just my emotions trying to take control. Doesn’t mean it’s true. My brain understands, I can make a change and my heart believes it. This was just the start though.
2️⃣ I literally spoke the words in my mind AND out loud: ‘I’m letting guilt go.’ Not once or twice but enough times to strengthen my faith so I Could Actually DO IT. At the same time I started to act like it had Already Left Me. I know, I know. Not all of you are believers like I am, but sure you believe in something right? If only in your own strength? True faith comes through hearing, which means we need audible support! This is in stark contrast to what the world is saying, that seeing is believing. That’s not believing, that’s just proof things were already in motion way before they materialized. You still with me?? Now when we HEAR words, what happens? When we Hear words of encouragement, positivity, life even… what happens to our soul, our heart and yes maybe even our stubborn mind? So making a decision about my life, my mental health, my state of mind, it’s great when loved ones speak encouraging words to listen to, but why not speak them myself too? I’m the one listening! I’m the one receiving! Every personal coach would tell you somewhat the same: ‘look in the mirror and say out loud’ (fill in whatever you need to Hear to Believe about yourself)
3️⃣ While my faith in being freed of guilt was growing, it gave me strength to resist any form of doubt that came my way. And yes, it did. But you know, I’ve told you before about the best advice an old colleague, now dear friend, gave me: fake it till you make it. In a weird way, you could call this the same. Better would be to name it ‘speaking things into existence’ because that’s what it is. My acting became truth because faith took root and was able to grow. Anyone who came to be successful, mentally strong and happy because they followed the ‘look in the mirror and say out loud’ routine knows what I’m talking about. We start out unsure, giggling maybe, but if we persevere, conviction will increase and turn into faith. Unwavering. Let’s get this shit materialized!Getting there!
4️⃣ Yes the process can be painful, but there’s so much to gain! My feelings of guilt were diminishing by the day, releasing space in my head and heart for better things. More room was created to enjoy the good stuff in life again and sleep is no longer an escape. Peace within got restored, making all things life so much easier to go through. Best of all, creativity finds a way to flow again and boy, do I need it. It’s where my true colors shine, where my satisfaction and personal rewards come from.
When you know, you know
Denial can come in many forms, not always recognized straight away. I’m one to try and look at the issue from different angles until I’m dizzy, not willing to give up. When I’m finally ready to make a decision, I’m fairly sure I’ve tried everything I could think of. There’s no denying anymore. The cut hurts and bleeds, but healing sets in almost immediately.
I hope you’ll find the strength to make that decision for yourself & perhaps your loved ones. You already know it’s for the best, just
Thnx for reading, much love y’all ❤️