You’ve been Blocked

12/2/2022

(Or rather, no flow, no show)

Been quiet for so long and even before that, my writing became more infrequent as y’all might have noticed. Life happened and is of course still happening. It’s a good thing it is! But it also has become a very, very busy (read: consuming lol) thing.

Believe me, I’ve missed writing so much and it’s not like there isn’t enough going on in my head I’m willing to share with you, but somehow.. somehow it doesn’t seem to come out.

To be honest, what’s going on in my head has become a tiny bit overwhelming, resulting in this.. Me, finally trying to find words, using this feature on my phone for the very first time, instead of comfortably typing away on my laptop. At 3am, lying in bed, because sleep has left me by then. I know, it’s totally pathetic 😉

So if/when this reaches your eyes, know this is me desperately trying to publish something! Unloading my overloaded brain and hoping to somehow successfully jump back into a creativity flow. Because lately.. all that has been flowing was time, getting away from me fast.

I knew I was going to hit a wall at some point in time, creativity is not something I can turn on and off. I wish! Lacking time is certainly not helping my cause and lacking energy whenever there’s time to spare kills about all inspiration that’s left. But, here I am, using the time I’d otherwise spend reading, hoping to fall back asleep. Fail.

HOW IT STARTED

So I became Nana 2.0, upgraded from a grandson, adding a granddaughter. Totally adorable, the most beautiful (!!!) babies ever. However, my granddaughter was barely one week old, when her big brother was admitted to the hospital. We didn’t see it coming. Boy did things change.

Blood tests, transfusions, iv’s, more blood and other tests.. when the worst was mentioned (leukemia) we sure had our moments of despair. Fortunately, tests ruled that out. It took about six weeks before our happy boy was released from the hospital, after his first birthday, which he was allowed to come home for during the day.

HOW IT WENT

Instructions, medications, new hospital appointments.. things were going to be different but ‘manageable’. Our boy was diagnosed with ALPS, an apparently not so common autoimmune syndrome, and would need medication and extra care for (at least) the next coming years. But he was home and we were all happy.

Now to be clear, we’re still happy, because he’s doing so well, catching up on everything he wasn’t able to do before. Though he was always a very happy boy. He hardly ate any solids (according to his doctor he most likely didn’t even have the energy to do so). He was physically behind in his development (because: no energy, no food, no growth). BUT, he made an incredible amount of progress and there’s no doubt in my mind he will be able to develop normally from here on. ‘So what’s the problem’ you say? Me. The problem is me.

HOW IT’S GOING

Argue with me that this should NOT be about me and I will immediately agree. And then the guilt hits, again. It’s an ongoing cycle and I’m just so tired of feeling guilty about how I feel. Told you it’s pathetic. But seriously.. being directly involved in the care of the babies has not only been throwing me back to yesteryear. I’ve entered an entirely new level now and I’m having to learn how-to-care all over again. Confronting me with every dark piece of me, I thought I’d left behind long ago. Well shit.

SO HERE I AM

Guilty As F-all. I forgot about any feelings of doubt I must’ve had while raising our kids. Well if you read previous posts, you already know I’ve forgot about a lot. Having two babies shortly after one another had us running around, and they were healthy. No really big road bumps. This is different though and it’s definitely challenging my .. everything? Lol

I want to ‘be there’ for the kids, helping mommy out too. Without patting myself on the back, in a way it’s just needed. It certainly changed how I thought about taking care of a child with special needs. Shoutout to all you parents/caretakers who do. I applaud you! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

So there I am. 5 days a week. From the time they rise until let’s say, dinner time. Loving them to pieces! There are so many good, great days, however if ‘Love is Patient’, I’m starting to feel I suck at it..

HELLOOO GUILT

My brain knows there is no perfect (grand)parent (sorry to bust your bubble), then why is guilt still weighing so heavy on me? Every parent has struggled with this at some point, it’s nothing new, it’s just daunting to go through it the second time. Probably because I’m even more aware of what’s at stake than before. I Do NOT Want to.. no.. nooo.. FAIL. Oh hellooo guilt

Busy weekdays and trying to ‘save’ the weekends for ‘myself’. Don’t laugh. That includes literally everything I don’t have time/energy left for during the week. Sounds really silly while writing this 🙄 I mean my daughter and I have been joking about having a 9 to 5 job is so much easier. Oh hellooo guilt

Will I be enough? It’s a question I’m not sure I want to know the answer of, but I have to give it my all. Unfortunately, my body sometimes really is starting to feel its age, and my mind and emotions get cluttered with doubts. My mental abilities are trying to simply hang in there but there are still so many moments I feel I’m falling short. Im so tired of feeling guilty about how I feel. Shit, I Do NOT Want to Feel this Way.. no.. nooo.. oh hellooo guilt

UNBLOCK ✅

So yeah, between helping out with taking care of the kids, trying to keep the household up and running and Not Feeling OLD (and oh yeah, Freakin Guilty! Oh AND sorry for myself, excuse you me) my creativity slowly withered, until the point it felt like there wasn’t any point left for me to keep writing.

I mean really, ‘saving’ creativity for the weekend?? Obviously isn’t working for me, so here I am trying something ‘new’. Because writing tends to keep me sane, sorry if I dump my shit on you, but maybe.. maybe, you won’t feel alone anymore. Knowing there’s at least one person out there, struggling with herself, her feelings of inadequacy, leading to major guilt tripping..

But tomorrow’s a new day, full of new chances and time to learn how to be better. And most of all, to overcome. Oh, bye bye guilt!

Love y’all. Hope to be back soon ♥️

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