(or how I reach beyond-boiling point)
🌀 It’s one of the most delicate points for me to reach either in a situation, a conversation or – the worst – a relationship. Reaching boiling point can be tricky, going beyond that is definitely asking for trouble and might leave me with cleaning up the mess I created. Does this knowledge stop me from doing it? When in a better mood, probably. When having a bad day, it sometimes actually feels worth it.
🌀 I’ve been telling I had to learn – in a way still learning – how to deal with confrontations in life. It doesn’t really help when my character is one to save up insults until I simply can’t no more and my words are lava. Eruption is completely unexpected for the other party – unless they can read my face and run for cover in time. Of course through the years it has become better, or so I think, but there are still moments my mind just goes: Oh SNAP!
🌀 I’m still trying to convince myself, some people won’t ever learn if I don’t literally reach that point, though experience has shown, those people will most likely never learn at all. There are numerous situations that can lead for me to reach boiling point, but it takes a couple of triggers to go past that. Trying to figure out if I could actually pinpoint these triggers is not all that easy, because in my memory, going beyond the rational is greatly depending on my emotional state of that particular moment.
🌀 Looking back on certain highly combustible situations, there were times I really did surprise myself keeping my cool, while I was sure to handle it completely the wrong way, if asked upfront. Emotions obviously always play a big role in how we interact with our fellow human beings. When dealing with aliens, I guess I would just skip to the eruption part…wait…naah…couldn’t be that easy…
🌀 So maybe it’s helpful if I could finally figure out which triggers I should be aware of, and wouldn’t it be wonderful if I could gain total control over future flammable environments? Hah, if only. But I sure can try to be better! I need some help though and since the internet has a lot to say about everything – and boy I mean EVERYTHING – why not see if there’s anything useful about this particular topic. As always I will go through the different points – in this case, triggers – applying it to myself and how it feels to me. Let’s see how that goes.
🌀 The first thing that hits me, is the fact there’s actual talk about Emotional Triggers. I know it might not be surprising to you, but it sure is a confirmation to me. If there is any volcano about to erupt, it comes from deep within the earth. If I’m triggered to lose it and snap, something deep inside me has been moved: the mental and spiritual balance has been disturbed and is rebelling. Reading through ‘How to Identify and Manage Your Emotional Triggers’, seems to be spot on, written for me. Just keep in mind, I’ll be giving my personal view, which will be quite different from yours. It seems to all boil down – no pun intended – to this: Here we goooo.
Common situations that trigger intense emotions include:
🌀 Wow, this feels like diving in head first, no prisoners taken. Having talked about feelings of rejection before – or rather, the importance of feeling accepted – this hits home. I wish I could say I never felt rejected in my life, but again, I wouldn’t be talking about acceptance if I hadn’t had the lovely opportunity to feel rejection first hand. Rejection and feeling rejected has happened in different ways in my life and though you’d expect the level of pain to be equal to the level of served rejection, it doesn’t always work that way does it? It’s common knowledge words can cut deeper than actions if they’re sharpened enough by an evil tongue. I’m not talking about not getting that job, though I agree, especially depending on how the interview went, the feeling’s not the best.
🌀 Like most of you, I felt rejection after harsh words were said but also when even harsher actions were taken. The combination can be destroying lives, especially when said and done to young people. Through the years I’ve learned to better deal with rejection, but again, my mood is deciding how my first response will be. Lashing out might give relief at first, but it’s afterwards, when alone and thinking and rethinking what happened, the real emotions seem to hit. ‘Could I have said or done anything differently/better?’ Often such a waste of energy.
🌀 Recognizing what caused the rejection might help. Was it done out of spite or jealousy? Is there anything worth of me reviewing? Is there anything in there I should be taking personally at all? So when possible, taking a step back, counting to 10 – at least – might help before taking my whip out. Don’t let the initial hurt blur my vision and take away my sensibility. I know…emotions right? In my case I would go a step further and simply…say a little prayer for help. Help to hold my tongue, to not repay rejection with something I might regret later. Do I always succeed? Ah. No.
🌀 If your soul has never been betrayed I’m definitely happy for you, but it’s an estimated guess you’re not that lucky. Neither am I. It comes in many forms and the worst part is, it often happens in an underhanded, disguised way. Sometimes even with a drip of friendliness and love at the side: ‘I did it with your best interest at heart’. Uhuh. It might also be a consequence or even cause, of the previously mentioned rejection. I could say there’s nothing worse than feeling betrayed by a close friend or family member, but of course I would be wrong. Things can always get worse.
🌀 I remember one situation where Steve and I particularly felt betrayed – and rejected! – from a long time ago. Do I still have any feelings about that time? Sure. I just don’t let them rule me anymore. We were helping out a group of people who just left their church, to set up a new one. They basically asked us, and though we were always kind of reluctant – the responsibility! – we both felt this could be a good thing. Boy were we wrong. It started out very well and next to taking things seriously as to not make the same ‘mistakes’ as they’d seen before, we had a lot of fun. However, things took a turn for the worst on a Sunday afternoon, a couple months later.
🌀 Long story short: we were asked to join them for an apparent intervention, because they had found ‘evidence’ we were imposters and liars, even worse than they had seen in their church. I don’t even remember everything that was thrown at us – let it go people – but I do remember feeling utterly perplexed and sad. They had listened to something that couldn’t have been further from the truth, and behind our backs they’d talked about it and decided we were evil. They basically gave us no chance to defend ourselves, already sure about our wrongs. They even tried to convince us to review our beliefs. Right.
🌀 We didn’t even resist, because in our eyes, it was a lost case as well, only in a different way. We always followed our rule: if our actions do not show you who we are, then our words won’t convince you otherwise. In the end, people will only see what they wish to see. Me and my smart mouth could have been triggered that day, big time. But we just silently accepted their verdict and kept the honor to ourselves. When we got home we felt defeated even though we knew we did nothing wrong, still the hurt of being betrayed, not given the chance to even explain ourselves, was pretty bad. Forgiveness is the only way for us to really let go. But believe me, I’m not always that quiet when I discover someone betrayed me. It’s one of the worst feelings in the world and has the ability to shatter any trust I have in humanity.
🌀 Well, the above story falls into the same I guess. It’s ‘funny’ to see how our kids react when wrongly accused of something: they will definitely NOT take that lightly. Want to see them angry, there’s your clue 🤐. While some might say acting up while knowing you’re not in the wrong makes you look more guilty, the feeling of being accused from something they didn’t do absolutely triggers something in them. Can’t blame them either. When we’re wrong we’re wrong. Might take a little time to acknowledge it, think things over, but we will.
🌀 It’s the feeling of injustice that’s the trigger. Taking blame and suffering the consequences for something done wrong, is right and yes deserved even. I won’t like it at all, but if it’s fair, it’s fair and I got to have the balls to admit when I’m wrong, even if it hurts. I certainly wouldn’t want any body else to take the blame for me. However, taking the blame and suffering consequences for something I didn’t do. Nu-uh. Unless…maybe…to help someone out who’s in real trouble.
🌀 So far it feels like the above mentioned points are all linked together for me, but yeah. When I only just started to go to church and built my faith I could get really snappy with my friends when they questioned God or the Bible. They didn’t even directly questioned my beliefs, but it felt like a personal attack all the same, since they were criticizing everything I believed in. Man I could get really nasty sometimes and I’m sure it only confirmed their doubts about faith in general and God in particular. Now of course I’m talking about my beliefs as in my faith in God as the most important, but next to that I would count the faith I have in my hubby and kids and yes some special friends. Or, the causes I believe in that need my attention. You fill in where your faith lies.
🌀 I’ve gotten way more relaxed when I do get challenged in this regard now. I learned. But it is a challenge to not give in to the feeling of needing to defend or justify yourself in general. The people who already know me don’t need it and the people who don’t know me, well…they don’t need it either in a different way lol. Though the reassurance might feel good, the people who know me have already given that and the people who don’t know me, might never get to that point.
Helplessness or Loss of Control
🌀 How well these two go together when you think about it. When we were stranded at the side of the road on our way to Ireland, it could have been easy to snap at each other. Stress levels were surely going through the roof after all we went through before even getting on the road, and this was just the cherry on top. We totally lost control of the situation at that point and had to eventually depend on other people’s goodness. It always gets worse before it gets better, so the days before we were finally ready to resume our way, were filled with even more tension. Situations like that can definitely trigger the worst in me if I let them. Fortunately it didn’t come that far.
🌀 Helplessness I feel, when referring to my friend in need I told you about in the previous article. He has a roof over his head, but it’s not a safe place, and he’s in desperate need of one. My emotions ran wild a couple of times, but I managed to at least keep it indoors. It’s hard when you’re in a very rough spot, to make smart decisions. Especially if you have to choose between two evils… I might be from the outside looking in, thinking this one would be best, but when you’re down like that, nothing makes much sense anymore. Trying to guide him through it to the best of my knowledge, while still respecting his choices is not easy. Losing my temper and snapping at him would only lead to more disaster, so no, that’s not an option at all.
🌀 If you ever face a hopeless situation, please take a breath, it won’t have any more negative effects on the already bad things going on, but it might give you a moment of clarity or maybe even the chance to reach out for help. Losing your cool is getting you nowhere fast.
Being Excluded or Ignored
🌀 I couldn’t stand it when – in my last job – an issue was brought to my attention, I started working on it, and next thing I knew, they shut me off from figuring out the solution. And that’s just one silly example. It happened several times and the condescension I had to deal with would enrage me, sometimes to the point of exploding. Well, sorry-not-sorry. There are of course way more serious situations you can think of, but I guess everyone knows the feeling. It’s all very well if you’re being excluded form stuff you’re not interested in in the first place, I mean, who cares right? But when it comes down to things that you or someone you love, are involved in and you’re being intentionally left out, it’s not easy to stay calm, not for me anyways.
🌀 Being ignored is taking it a step further in my opinion. Now I’m not one to let myself being ignored easily. Whenever I feel I need to rise to the occasion I’ll definitely let my voice be heard. I do tend to wait just a little too long sometimes, so that’s where the snap might come in. Other than that I can’t say I’ve suffered being ignored very much. People might try but if I don’t feel it’s worth it to step in, I don’t really care if they do: they think they know best? They can go right ahead. I might come back later though, when everything else failed 😉
Disapproval or Criticism
🌀 Hmm. Not something I deal with very well at first and therefore definitely up for a sharp retort from me. In case of disapproval I would try to find ways to go around it if I see any, I just hate to give up too fast especially when I’m convinced something has to be done about it, like yesterday. It does depend though on how the disapproval is given, it could be very reasonable, leaving no room for any other option. If it’s the opposite, I’ll try to shoot it down with all that is within me. Eager much? Uhuh. If you cannot convince me otherwise, I will keep searching for a way to get things done.
🌀 In case of criticism…well I could say the same. Is it given to build me up or to break me down? I really don’t like it when being criticized in public – but who does? – but a good private conversation could clear things up pretty quick. Or not. It’s tough not to feel like I’m being personally attacked and keep an open ear to eventual meaningful comments that can help me grow more, be better, do better. My ‘defense mechanism’ might strike out, just to not lose face, though after taking some time thinking about it, I might actually agree…we can change you know.
Feeling Unwanted or Unneeded
🌀 Now I think the key word here is ‘feeling’. It doesn’t necessarily mean I am actually unwanted or unneeded. It’s a trap I can fall into without much effort. As a mom of adult children it’s easy to tell myself: ‘Well, they have their own life now, they don’t need me anymore’. Sometimes this is a good feeling, knowing they DO have their own lives and that all’s going well – no need to worry – and sometimes it can make me feel like I need to find new goals. Well here we are! No but seriously, of course it’s a lie to think they wouldn’t ever need me anymore. These feelings are nothing compared to the many children though, who feel unwanted by their own parents/family.
🌀 I’m talking about stuff that could go on for years, but they do build up and will eventually lead to a snap that can be heard in the next county. The snap is not only coming forth from their mouths, it’s also coming from their breaking hearts, though the cracks have been there for a long time already. It’s basically how I have been feeling within my family. Not my close family, my hubby and kids, but the one I was born and raised in. A black sheep. I know it sounds harsh, but I can’t even imagine they’re not seeing me exactly the same way to be honest. And yes it took me years to come to terms with it, even better, to feel kind of proud of it, if you get what I’m saying. Let me be the one that’s different, it’s OK.
Feeling Smothered or Too Needed
🌀 Oh, well, that’s the opposite. Can’t say I have much experience with these two, but I have seen the effects on others and it’s not nice. Again my examples mostly refer to raising our kids, but smothering them is not making them into responsible, strong persons. I’ve seen people going wild after they reached adulthood and were allowed to ‘do what they wanted’, simply because they were under the strict regime of their parents and kept on a tight leash. There’s love and then there’s love. Go figure it out.
🌀 Too needed? Dare I say I think that’s something you’re probably doing to yourself? Sorry if I’m upsetting anybody, but we have to set boundaries ourselves and as difficult as that may be, there’s no one else who will do it for us. If I don’t respect myself – and my sanity – enough to set the limits, how can I expect others to keep them? I could feel flattered all I wanted when I would be the only one at the job going for the solution and fighting my way through the woods, but ehm… was it worth it? Of course personal satisfaction counts as well as personal reward, but unless I live hoping to receive any honor for it, no. Just No. It wasn’t worth the exhaustion and frustration, nor the jealousy and backstabbing from others. I’m not needed THAT much thank you very nice. That snap is just a snap away.
🌀 Without a doubt a part of life and something I had to kind of outgrow. Though I had this smart mouth for as long as I can remember I did tell you about struggles I had inside myself. It made me fight all the harder to not get overlooked. So in a way that snappy attitude became a part of my armor. I discovered quite early if I wanted to survive in this world I had to stand up for myself and not let anyone overrule me. Easier said than done, but I think I came a long way. Does that mean there’s no insecurity left in my life? Wow, I wish. But with every new step there will be questions which can grow into new insecurities if I allow them to. Stepping into new territory can bring back that attitude where I shoot first and ask questions later. It’s pure self defense to overcome the gap until I reach my new comfort zone.
🌀 I choose not to let any insecurity rule, because I already know it will keep me from learning and thus, growing. Fake it till you make it baby, it does work for me. And now, ‘living’ in an online world, full of young people whose language I hardly speak, it’s all I can do to try and keep up. Sure, I could step out, but where’s the fun in that? Life is meant to be lived and lived to the fullest. Whenever insecurity tries to interfere with whatever I’m diving into, Google is my friend and asking never hurt anybody. No need to throw up new defenses, just go with the flow and learn as I go.
Loss of Independence
🌀 I would say very close to loss of control…it’s a tough place to be in and surely can get me worked up. However, it may be my life to live, I still hang on to my faith and believe my life has a goal and a meaning, which is filled because of the things that are brought to me by that same faith. In short: I never really believe I’m in complete control of my life anyway. I think I’ve been pretty honest about that. If you think you are.. Well, good for you.
🌀 To me, Loss of independence in any way, might at first feel like I’m at the mercy of circumstances, but in my heart I know I’m not. In my heart I know I’m at the mercy of God and what He wants for my life. Is that always exactly what I want? No, not really, but if it does come out different, it’s mostly better, so there’s no complaint from me. I realize though, that loss of independence for a lot of people means, they have to look up to others, others they might not want in their lives. It could also mean you’re so lost, there’s literally nothing you can do but let circumstances take over. Drown in your sorrows. It can be a terrible place to be in, unless you run into good people, who can create better circumstances and make sure there’s something good coming out of it all. If you’re there, that’s my wish for you.
🌀 Conclusion: Did this help me in any way? I guess it did! It’s funny though that none of the mentioned points are actually surprises to me, they just provided me with the correct descriptions. They all make perfect sense, even the ones I’m not that experienced in personally, are very recognizable. It’s called Look and Learn right? I do realize we all have to make our own mistakes to Get It, but looking at others and how they are dealing with stuff can be a real eye opener, if I only stop and think about it. Let’s see if this little analysis will help me in the future, by keeping me from boiling over. Oh SNAP! That Would Be Cool!
Wishing y’all a very Quiet Weekend. New Shots Fired next week ❤